Everyone has ten insults. We’re told this throughout our lives—in grade school, on television, in chain letters, etc. Why is it that people get so, you know, offended, when I decide to use one of my insults on them? I have nothing against them, or anyone, really, but I have to use my ten insults before the age of twenty-five or I get chopped in half by the Equalizer.

I mention this because I totally ridiculed my advisor today in front of her friends and family, and she became so outraged that she left the room and started crying in the hall. It’s not my fault—I didn’t say anything that everyone else hasn’t already thought. I was just doing my part to equalize the community.

It reminds me of the day the insult hold was released on my grade, and my best friend made fun of me on the playground. I beat that mother fucker like a monkey beats a coconut—for food. Then I added insult to injury, literally.

It’s not my fault we get extra points for insulting the sick, disabled, and elderly. My advisor should have realized she was so vulnerable, having all three of those qualities. She shouldn’t take this stuff so seriously.